The Three Most Important Words We Will Ever Say

These words are the truest expression and declaration of the human soul as we know it. Only one human has ever succeeded with God and his purpose while failing to make this declaration, and it is in response to his clarion command that we first recognize this truth about ourselves and our world.

Many readers, maybe you, seeing the title, The Three Most Important Words We Will Ever Say will likely jump too far ahead of me today. They (you?) will run ahead to love: “I love you!” The human soul longs to make this proclamation even when the affection is unrequited, but of course, longs to hear the same words in return. However, to say “I love you,” and truly mean it, some serious soul work is first in order. And to continue meaning it and receiving it, this “I love you,” the soul work must persist.

To say “I” and know what I mean by it, I need an accurate understanding of who this being I claim as my own soul is: what are its virtues, values and vices, its hopes, dreams and goals, its motives and emotions. The fact is that we all gravely misunderstand ourselves, and often we do so with great intentionality and even relish. Left to our own devices we have little will to clearly see our own faults or failures and the deep fissures in our commitments, the fables of our idealized self; nor do we desire accurate measures of our merits, being quite satisfied with our gross overestimations. But, if I don’t even know who I am; if in fact, I happily deceive myself regarding who I am, how do I truly proclaim my love or devotion or commitment, or anything truthfully about myself? Surely, I cannot.

And then Love – what is the meaning of this word to a being wholly committed to self-preservation, even the preservation of an acknowledged false self? Maybe I can love myself in some convoluted manner, maintaining a commitment to my own happiness, but certainly I have no capacity for a sustained lifestyle of making way for another to thrive in joyful reality. If I don’t even make way for the reality of myself to be known, how will I make way for another and all of that person’s needs, demands, preferences and, probably, deceptions, as well?

The untreated ‘I’ can not really fathom another ‘you’. For, all that it sees becomes either an extension of itself or an object for its own use. No, before uttering in truth the primary three words, mouthing “I love you” is merely another myth of self-deception.

Jesus, being the smartest person to ever live, rightly understood our wrongness. So, when he began to exercise his authority as the ascendant king, his first command was a direct attack on our greatest slavery, our addiction to cultivating a false image of ourselves within our own minds and before all the world–an exhausting life that has left us all weary and heavy burdened. Do you remember Jesus’ first imperious demand upon his first listeners? The first command he taught all who would become his apprentices in the way, the truth and the life?

REPENT!

Stop trying to fool yourselves, because you haven’t fooled me, and you haven’t fooled the Father (who is right here in the radically accessible heavens)! It is time to admit the truth, so that you might be shaped by it and become the children of God you were designed to be.*

The three liberating word we must all confess in order to be healed, to live in truth and to begin the journey of knowing love and life are these:

I am wrong.

The only way to a different life than the one I currently have is to open my eyes and ears and heart enough to receive the truth that exposes my inadequacies, and then to humbly and gratefully confess my errors. Until I can confess these faults, I will be stuck in them, and as long as I consider my current thoughts and views unassailable, I remain outside the influence of any and all truth tellers, even or especially Jesus.

Of course, this reality of our wrongness is not limited to the ‘spiritual’ or religious regions of our existence. It’s true everywhere. It’s true with good science at its simplest and most advanced practice; it’s true of good journalism and historical inquiry; it’s true of all learning and growth toward maturity and beauty. It’s even true of sport: my jump shot is trash and always will be so unless or until I at least figure out what is wrong with my current practice.

The rightness and goodness of confessing our wrongness is true also of relationships. Human connections are injured so easily, and how are they to be healed without admission of wrongdoing? How can I ask forgiveness or even receive forgiveness, if I can’t admit I was wrong? And how can I preserve a relationship or build a new one in the face of passionate and profound differences of opinion if I cannot admit when I am wrong?

Ultimately, what we want to be able to say is, “I was wrong.” This is not putting future wrongness out of sight, but it is the place of new understanding, and the opportunity for a new way of living. “I was wrong about love, but now I know differently.” “I was wrong about anger, but now I know its danger and I live more graciously.” And so on.

When I apply this to interpersonal disagreements, I come into life and joy and leave behind bitter harangues and anxiety. I know that I very well may be wrong in what I think and in how I perceive the world, so I am open to learn new things, new facts about reality. Learning is not accumulating arguments to buttress my current perspectives; rather, learning is open inquiry into the nature of things and faithfully following the results of that inquiry where it leads. If my current perspective is true, that will shine as I encounter challenging counter-arguments, penetrating critiques and questions or confusing facts. But, if I close down in anger, unwilling to find myself wrong, then I cannot and will not learn anything new, whether I happen to be right or wrong about any such momentary thing.

As a learner, my conversations, discussions and even debates are liberated: I am not trying to prove my point or prove myself to myself or anyone else. While I, along with everyone else, enjoy being heard, as a learner I am a listener and I enjoy each opportunity to gain fresh insight into a particular topic of inquiry, or better yet, to gain fresh insight into the person(s) speaking with me.

When I am a humble learner concerned with truth, then not only am I free, but so are those I speak to. They do not owe me anything, nor do they need to prove themselves to me. If it turns out that the evidence favors my current understanding, they lose nothing in my eyes. Now, I might have to work to convince them of that, but there are tools especially for that occasion: honoring their being, respecting their right to disagree, stilling my tongue when they have come to the end of listening. And, if the argument turns up truth that proves me wrong, what joy! Now, I have learned and I can honestly thank and celebrate my sparring partner.

But, what’s most likely to occur in these conversations? Most often, our discussions will cover the same old ground, and we won’t learn much new about the topic of concern; however, there is a good likelihood that falsehoods I held about you will be exposed (if I’m listening well), and maybe you’ll have the same experience (if you’re listening well). We may still disagree, but we now know and understand one another better, and that is grounds for learning to say and mean, “I love you.”

*See John 1 and 8 and Matthew 4-7 for the biblical background to this rough paraphrase on Jesus’ first announcement: “Repent for the kingdom of the heavens has come near!”